Bracing for Impact with the Living God.

Recently my hubby and I had the privilege of returning to the Simply Youth Ministry Conference. Our intentions were to gain training for a couple of college students who are called to ministry.

I was not expecting much for myself. You see my hubby and I have found ourselves in a year of dis-orientation...

Meaning, good friends have passed away or lost their jobs, family strife, our church is without a Pastor and wrestling with it, and so much more...

To put it plainly we have felt disoriented.

I thank God for the Simply Youth Ministry team for listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Disorientation was a theme discussed again and again at the conference. 

God, You are always right on top of things aren't You?

 I have a few posts for you on lessons I learned while there. I hope they bless you. The posts are very raw, but maybe...just maybe there are some out there who can relate? 

I pray this finds you, the souls who are trying to stand in the midst of storms and cry out to the living God for the strength to follow His will. I am grateful for this truth, that in the process we absolutely will discover His unfathomable grace and amazing love. 

God Bless you all greatly,

-Heather

Jesus, You just keep messing with me.

Turning my insides out...

Shaking the loose pieces to the ground...Sifting.

You are a fire scathing, seething, licking away the impurities and reducing me to liquid.

It's been painful...I feel like I bleed and cry and scream, but to no one but Jesus, because who else would understand this anyways?

Then comes the reminder...

He is the God of the light and the dark.

He is there in the darkness, and yet creating light from it.

"Seriously, Lord?!? What do you want from me?"
 I ask searching for answers yet again.

Hot messy tears begin pouring out as I sit huddled and bent over tucking my head into my knees.

I am rocking with my hands over my head as if I am bracing for impact in a plane crash.

White knuckling it, I try to restrain the sobs as I feel my face growing red from the tension. Fearing it might burst forth in all its ugliness and confusion, I find I am holding my breath...

I am bracing for impact with a 

Living and Holy God.

Shaking....
Hoping no one notices me in this state of fear and heart ache under the cloud of darkness in the worship session I whisper,

“ I don't like this Lord.” Sobs begin to escape my throat , “This scares me... Why? Why now?”

Then...

His words rush over me like a crashing wave.

“Oh how I love you daughter.

I do... I love you.”

As if I am in the choppy tangled waves of the ocean

I gasp for breath in great gulps. I feel like I am drowning.

In the darkness of the worship session I hide.

“I don't like this Father. This scares me. Please no...Please no, no, not this!”

I beg and beg as I rock. He whispers gently again,

“I love you. Trust me. Obey.”

Again and again this was the message. It scares me, this task He is asking from us. Its different. (I am not always great with change.)

Now we are diving into the unknown and uncharted waters and this definitely requires trust.

“Not my will, but yours be done Lord.”

I will wrestle my will and fears to the mat...Through Your love and grace, Lord, I will surrender to You and Your ways.

Oh Jesus, You are unrelenting and I find myself grateful for You never ever give-up. Father, Your ways are not my own and Your thoughts are not mine.

Once again, with knees still knocking, I stand.

I am shaky still, but my feet are planted on Your solid rock of Truth.

I raise my hands high. Lifting my face to the light, I offer my heart again to You in worship and praise. I open my mouth and sing.

Will you join me friends? In the tough times? In heart ache and loss? In the pain and confusion will you join me and sing?

Do you have something you are wrestling with?

An area of your life where things are confusing or painful?

Can I pray for you friends?